I’m giving up.

Sometimes the best days is when it’s raining outside, it’s the best excuse to stay indoors, watch documentaries, write my book, sleep in…

Sometimes the best days is when it’s raining outside, it’s the best excuse to stay indoors, watch documentaries, write my book, sleep in, be depressed and just give in. No reason to go for a walk, no nagging voice telling me I should be taking a hike, pressured yet again to go to the gym. I like days when I give up, sometimes I enjoy the depression. Stop trying. Give in to the fact that there are times, more often than not, that I don’t like myself, then I get past the ‘I don’t like myself’ and think it’s okay if there are parts of me that I am not happy with. It’s okay that I’m not perfect, it’s okay that my human self filters my existence as if it’s something that is broken and needs to be fixed. On the days that I give up I realized all of this is a lie I tell myself everyday. Stop worrying, stop the guilt, stop thinking that there was a better decision to make, stop trying, surrender to not solving the problem.

The problem is the problem, because there really isn’t a problem, the problem is, is that I think there is a problem and again that’s another lie.

Depressed in Latin it means pressed down. When we are pressed down and we are weighted, as if there was a real object sitting on us, as if we are paper, we are thin, empty, waiting for a story to be written again. We lift the weight, begin to live this new story we have written, just for us and our players we have casted into our lives. On this stage we act out everything in our script. Our audience awaits us to perform, the cast shows up and yet some are missing, many do not even know their lines, some have no idea they are part of our play, and many may not want to perform. But the curtain calls us and The Show Must Go On In The Silence of our minds we have our dress rehearsal. It is perfect. Or is it? Will they like me? Will it be accepted? Will they be entertained? Will anybody show up?

Yeah that’s life, often I wonder if it is better to be De- pressed, keep the paper empty, let the story write itself, no expectations, empty seats and just stop the performance and do not cast anyone into your play. Days like that are perfect!

Today it is sunny out and I am in bed with a wretched cold, it is now settled deep into my chest, food does not comfort me, sleep eludes me, physically I am miserable and yet there is a strange freedom in this day where I am forced to Surrender. I am strangely comforted by the dark curtains that are drawn over the windows holding back the sunlight that is begging to stream through.

Today I rest my body, today I rest my mind, today I put a rest to my future,. today I put to rest my past.

I am grateful.

_/\_