Why are we so devastated when friendships end? The Lost Tribe.

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You have been friends for 5, 10, 15 years. You met once a week had a couple of glasses of wine, met for coffee at the local café, and solved all the world’s problems. Laughed, cried, became defeated together, and solve problems unitedly. She/he is your best friend. She/he is like a sister to you, in fact, you even called each other soul sisters! And then suddenly the friendship is over.

I had a client ask me about this recently. She was very close to a neighbor for years and suddenly she could feel the distance, the cool detachment and she wasn’t sure what was amiss. The more she reached out the more frequently she was politely rejected. You may question what is so polite about rejection? How can you place those two words in one sentence? An example may be when somebody says ‘oh I’ll have to check with my husband’ or ‘I would love to go but I promised that I would take my daughter to the mall.’ Always with a pleasant tone, a seemingly friendly apologetic excuse. But the problem is every time you reach out, you receive the same reaction. Sooner or later you realize you’re being discarded.

This is what happened to my client. So she finally, lovingly let her friend disappear into the ethers. What was heartbreaking is that she would see her friend every day in the neighborhood, sadly and painfully it wasn’t the same.

Nowadays the ‘other’ neighborhood is social media. And many may additionally witness this type of interaction on social media. This is yet more misleading and harmful, like this, we do to ourselves. We all know the type, one way on Facebook/Instagram, another in reality. Admit it you do this as well. And never dismiss that this is always open for interpretation. You see what they’re doing on Facebook and on Instagram and know their lives and very often much different than what is posted. Most importantly how your translation is according to your own inner dialogue. For example, you may see your friend out having a glass of wine with another friend. And she may even post ‘having a great time with a good friend!’ Yet in your mind, your friend has a new best friend, she’s hanging out with her all the time! They’re besties!! They’re drinking wine, having coffee, wow, this person stole your best friend! And in most cases, it isn’t like that at all, it’s literally a one-off get-together with a friend they hadn’t seen in a long time, practically an acquaintance.

The other probability is that your friend may be reacting to a shift in their lifestyle that may be painful and being around certain situations becomes more difficult for them. I have seen this often when I take a look at the other people in my client’s lives. For example, I had a client, let’s call her Sheila, she became an empty nester. She is devastated, and she’s having a much more difficult time than she imagined it would be. Now all of a sudden her friends that have their children still living at home makes it very difficult for her to hang out. Witnessing their children in the home or talking about her friend’s children is no longer pleasant. (at least at that moment)

I have another client, I’ll call her Monica. Monica has recently had a divorce, it was a painful divorce because it wasn’t her choice and she is still hurt, broken, and suffering. Most of her friends are married, some of them struggling as well, but no one wants to talk about divorce and nobody wants to hear about it. It can be a challenge for someone who’s in marriage to understand someone’s pain around a breakup. Especially for those, who are currently struggling in their own marriage. There exists some ego as well and maybe some embarrassment or shame as many friends may have seen it coming. Suddenly her friends resist hanging out, it’s uncomfortable being around them. Monica feels; even though it may not be true, that they are judging her. Monica’s friend Jenny reaches out to her often, Monica refuses with no explanation and Jenny takes it personally. ‘I thought we were good friends, I hoped that when she’s going through a tough time she would want me to be there for her?’ However, it’s too difficult for Monica to not only accept the invitation but it’s even more painful for her to explain why she cannot accept it. In fact, in some cases, the Monica’s of the world do not recognize what they’re doing, they do not understand the psychological basis of their actions.

However, it operates yet deeper than this.

There was a time in history, in fact, most of our history, where we lived amongst our tribe, our village, small and large towns. Many did not travel too far in most cases. And therefore several lived amongst the people that we were born with. Relationships may come and go or change however since one lived amongst them, sooner or later several would circle back with each other, or at least see them around town. Now things are more absolute, as when something changes, there is likely a chance we will not re-connect.

I believe that some of our loss and our sadness is the ending of that part of our society, the lost tribe. The last 100 years have changed everything.

Locked within our DNA we know that this is not the way our society should behave, this is not healthy and it’s lonely for many.

Often, our tribe is derived from our family, children, and our partners and one can leaving friends behind.

Therefore much of the pain when there is a division can be ‘collective unconscious’ mourning of what was. Locked within our DNA we know that this is not the way our society should behave, this is not healthy and it’s lonely for many.

What is to be done? If you feel a distance from a friend, keep the space open and inviting. Refrain from questioning, and avoid taking the blame for it. If there is a specific incident that happened where there is hurt and pain, reach out, expressing that you would like to resolve this whenever they are ready, with love. Leave an energetic open invitation for them to enter back into your life at the pace that they feel most comfortable and when they are ready. You can do this verbally, you may write this or you may say nothing at all, just a simple hello or wave. You may add ‘I hope you’re doing well.’ Or ‘I’m here whenever you need me.’

Secondly, if you are the one with life changes that are making it challenging for you to be with certain friends, if you can, communicate that to them, you don’t have to give them a lot of detail. Simply say, ‘I’m going through a difficult time right now and it’s easier for me at the moment to not attend that dinner etc…I just need time.’ Sort of “it’s not you it’s me” narrative. Yet in this case it’s true.

If the friend did hurt you in some way and it’s not obvious to them, find the courage to at least write them a handwritten letter that explains it, if you do this in text or email refrain from having a dialogue back-and-forth within that texting and email. At the end of your explanation, write, ‘if you would like to talk about this I prefer not to respond via email or texting. Yet would love to in person or on the phone.’

Consider the 5D shift as well. We are creating tribes and divides to begin the healing of our planet. A reading can help you discover if you are in the midst of this divide.

Often our personalities can change, which makes us incompatible. For example, you may have had a people-pleasing, patient, servant-orientated personality. And in the last couple of years that changed and you aspire to become much more assertive. You may have put up with certain personality traits around your friend that you found quite irritating but sacrificed parts of yourself in order to maintain the relationship. Now up are in a place where you no longer want to be that person and therefore the friendship is not in alignment with your new personality. It is just easier to walk away. Often this can be an opportunity to share your voice, to tell them you don’t agree with them. At the least you agree in having a difference of opinion. It doesn’t always work, although it may be worth a try before you leave.

Honor your pain, look at your hurt, it may also be a placeholder for some childhood loss. Deconstruct and dig deep into your past. More often than not, sadness or abandoned feelings that are overwhelming are attached to a series of past events that are somewhat related. If you can find another friend, therapist, or coach, with whom you can talk this through, they may be able to help you ‘collect’ it and deal with the overall theme. This will create healing.

It’s not always true, nevertheless, in some situations, time can heal. ‘Time’ doesn’t propose that eventually, you will feel less pain, or time may heal the separation and one day re-connect the friendship in a brand new way. Often we need circumstances to die off in order to rebirth another.

Namaste

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